Israel to stop offering end to occupation after five unsuccessful tries

ANN ARBOR, MICH. — After five unsuccessful attempts at ending the occupation, Israel will no longer be offering peace deals to Palestinians.

Israel’s decision came a few hours after comments made by a University of Michigan professor shed light on one of the Middle East’s most complicated issues late Tuesday evening.

“Few may know this but Israel has attempted to put an end to the occupation five separate times. It’s the Palestinians who rejected each of the offers,” spoke Dr. V. Lieberman.

The revelation came as a surprise to many, especially to those who have experienced the toll of the long-running conflict between Israelis and Palestinians.

“I was twelve when we fled our home in 1967 after Israeli military men entered our town of Huwara,” said Hani Mohsen, 59.

“To be honest, if I had known they were delivering a peace offer, I would have welcomed them with my finest tea.”

Mohsen isn’t the only one surprised by Lieberman’s findings. In the twenty-four hours following the professor’s statement, the most popular phrases searched through Google.ps, the regionally-dedicated Google search engine for the Palestinian territories, have been “Why Palestinians say no to occupation end,” “Please Israel try peace again,” and “Shame on me I love occupation.”

But things looked different on the Israeli side.

According to Naftali Gaffinay, deputy leader of Israel’s international peace delegation, Lieberman’s findings were not meant to be shared with the public.

“Our intentions were never to flaunt our generosity,” began Gaffinay during a press briefing.

“The State of Israel has offered Palestinians an end to their suffering many times, but we chose not to publicize our efforts because that could have pulled the talks away from our stated objective. This is a sensitive matter.”

In a follow-up briefing, Lieberman elaborated on the details of Israel’s peace deals.

According to newly revealed documents provided by Lieberman and confirmed by Gaffinay, Israel made three formal offers to withdraw its military, demolish the separation wall, replant uprooted olive trees, withdraw its settlers, and abide by all international and humanitarian law standards.

Desperate to get the Palestinians to agree to the terms, Israel added a clause in its fourth and fifth peace offerings that would actually reverse the occupation, putting Palestine in direct military control of Israel proper. Again, the Palestinians rejected Israel’s measures.

Now that the information has been made public, the Israeli government has announced it will no longer be capable of offering another way out for the Palestinians.

Added Gaffinay, “Israel has exhausted its efforts. We genuinely want to end the occupation. But from today on, the Palestinians will have to be the ones who ask for it.”

Yet as history has shown, this doesn’t seem likely.

For now, people like Mohsen will be left to question how they could possibly miss so many signs of Israel’s altruism.

This is a special report for The Daily Negotiator, your source for honest, groundbreaking, and somewhat satirical news coverage of Palestine-Israel.

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