Israeli investigation into rock threat ends with arrest of Palestinian man

HEBRON, WEST BANK — Israeli settlers can breathe a sigh of relief following the discovery of a palm-sized rock in a Palestinian man’s home today.

Anas Mryan, 30, was arrested and transferred to a high security prison in the south of Israel after a team of Israeli soldiers searched his house and discovered the object.

“We received a call from one of the local settlers who gave us a tip relevant to an ongoing investigation of terror cell units in Judea and Samaria,” said Raev Yonan, a reserve officer stationed just outside of the Tel Rumeida settlement in the West Bank. “I immediately radioed Central Command and they quickly sent a team into a nearby town to search a man’s house for the weapon we had been looking for.”

After half an hour of rummaging through Mryan’s home in the village of Bani Na’im and confiscating all laptops, cellular phones, and cameras, one soldier spotted the rock and promptly put Mryan in cuffs.

“He thought he was being clever. He was using the rock to hold his bedroom door open but we were not born yesterday. We are Israel. He can’t fool us,” said Pvt. James Schenn as he emerged from Mryan’s home. Schenn, a recent college graduate who was born and raised in Los Angeles, U.S.A., joined the Israeli army one year ago after seeing an advertisement on Instagram but had seen very little action and was growing impatient.

“I had my gun ready to shoot anything that moved. He’s lucky his baby was asleep,” Schenn added.

The rock, dull grey in color and weighing no more than 300 grams, resembles weaponry used by Palestinian militants in the past.

Israeli Defense Minister Moshe Ya’alon publicly expressed his thanks to the soldiers involved in the crackdown.

“Without these brave citizens who risk their lives every single day, Israel would not be the bastion of freedom that it is,” Ya’alon said in a televised statement. “Rocks like these are used to wipe Israel off the map but Israel will not be threatened. We will swiftly deal with terrorism wherever and however it may occur.”

Despite the loud applause, not everyone is thrilled with the day’s events.

Human rights groups are petitioning the Israeli government to close the case citing procedural issues. According to the prison warden responsible for assigning Mryan to a cell, he will not be charged nor will he be given access to a lawyer. Mryan’s wife fears she won’t see her husband again.

However, Yehuda Regional College lecturer Gidon Rimot argues that these kinds of crackdowns make Israelis much safer.

“The rock that was recovered in the terrorist’s home put 750,000 settlers at risk. Can you imagine having to run for your life every time one of those Arab terrorists picked up a rock? Sometimes it happens so fast that you have less than a minute to dodge the impact,” Rimot said in an interview at his complex in the Kiryat Arba settlement.

Ya’alon also promised during his press conference that today’s arrest should serve as a warning for any future Palestinian rock-owners.

Since 1967, nearly 25% of the total Palestinian population has been arrested and imprisoned by Israel at one point or another.

This is a special report for The Daily Negotiator, your source for honest, groundbreaking, and somewhat satirical news coverage of Palestine-Israel.


There are 3 comments

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s