Thank you, Israel, for your lifesaving diet

Guest contribution

To Israel,

Thank you, Israel, for helping us avoid a humanitarian crisis. Without your help in calculating how many calories I as a Gazan should consume, I would probably fall victim to some unexpected calamity. Imagine what would happen if all 1.7 million of us were left to live on our own without knowing exactly how many calories and how many grams of food are allocated to us. We’d probably overeat ourselves to death. And just like that, an entire population of natives would be gone — a thought, I am sure, that has never once crossed your mind.

You really saved us this time, didn’t you.

I learned that a district court ordered your Ministry of Defense to release the documents detailing how you calculated these lifesaving diets. Why’d they have to pry it out? Why did you keep it such a secret? If I was saving someone from the brink of humanitarian disaster, I’d be excited to share the news. Who knows, maybe others would follow.

But you. You kept your noble mission secret. Just the kind of humility and selflessness we’ve come to expect from the Israel that despises the fancy lights and the glitter and the global attention. You consistently redefine the concept of altruism and the way you interact with Palestinians should be a model for worldwide social interaction. It’s not every day that a country voluntarily dedicates its top officials to meticulously calculate, outline, and enforce a way of life for millions of others.

I’m just so sorry you spent so much on court fees trying to downplay your achievements. Please, when you plunder me some more, cut my electricity and water and, if you’re desperate, capsize my fishing boat and keep it for yourself. My diabetes medicine you’ve kept at the border for years now — just sell that. Here’s to hoping it’ll make up for your costly efforts.

I want to reassure you that your gesture of good faith won’t go unnoticed. So much time and effort went into determining that I deserve no more than 2,279 calories to be consumed in 1,838.6 grams of food. You even consulted statistics by the World Health Organization to make sure the numbers just passed the malnutrition threshold.

Beyond that, you did what no reasonable person or state or entity has so far discovered. You realized that we as Palestinians shouldn’t be eating anywhere near the amount of food Israelis do. That would be unspeakably and undeniably discriminatory.

Thank you again for finding the bare minimum of food a human being in Gaza needs to avoid starvation by an inch. I’m sorry so many human rights groups gave you trouble. They are such pests, and I go “shake my head” in my head every time they take you to court to get you to spill the beans on some of your most secretive yet most righteous activities.

I look forward to your next set of restrictions designed to ensure that Gazans don’t all collapse in one mass episode of humanitarian catastrophe as they are apparently prone to doing without your help.

There are 2 comments

  1. ontogram

    The Germans calculated the calories they would allow into the Warsaw Ghetto and had an administration for doling this out. The idea was to slowly starve the inhabitants such they would die of “natural” causes. I don’t doubt for a minute that Israel has the same intent here. The trouble is the “humanitarian” guidelines, so they have to tread close to the minimum to be effective and yet be able to defend themselves. It is an obscenity, but that is nothing new for right wing Zionists in power.

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