Netanyahu showed up to the General Assembly of the United Nations with a folding diagram of a round bomb to make an equally dramatic slash comical point about Iran’s duck of a nuclear program. An unnamed source just sent us this writeup of Netanyahu’s thought process, complete with embedded thoughts and personal revelations.
Okay, today is the day. I think I will wear a different blue tie today. Perfect, this is the one. Lighter and brighter than Obama’s. And now to make my speech lighter and brighter than his. I have to come up with something so wild and intellectually stimulating, something that’ll make the cut for Ynet’s unbelievably high standards.
I’m stumped. You know, this is my fault really. I set the bar way too high with my duck analogy. They warned me that I wouldn’t be able to top it and, well, look. Here I am, sitting alone in my room wondering how I’m going to tie this tie and how I’m going to crash the UN with an epic performance that rivals the fake compassion and the phony pledge for peace that I normally give.
Hm, maybe I can say something honest. Imagine the headline: “Israeli PM admits to inhumane slaughter of hundreds in Gaza”. Or this one: “Sabra hummus a global embarrassment, Netanyahu admits”. Babyboy, please. Who am I kidding. The UN is no place for honesty.
How about acknowledging the occupa— okay Bibster, let’s not take it that far ever again. Imagine the look on Vicky Nuland’s face as Matt Lee throws up a quote of me thanking Congress for generously bankrolling my very own military occupation. Talk about damage control.
That still leaves me short of an idea though. Maybe it’ll come to me if I draw my speech in pictures.
I want to talk about my commitment to peace but I really don’t know what to draw for it, especially since I’ve never actually thought about it before. I guess I can skip that.
Then I’ll bring up the Palestinians. What to draw, what to draw. Well, aside from Dudu Abbas — it’s really nice of him to let me call him that — I try hard to pretend they don’t exist. And now that I think of it, I’m beginning to wish Dudu didn’t exist either. As helpful as he’s been for me and my career, he calls way too much.
Whatever. I probably shouldn’t be seen— Hold on, I got a text. Uh, it’s Dudu again asking, what? If there’s anyone he can help me arrest? Oh boy. Must remember to respond to this one immediately. That’s my boy!
Anyways, like I was thinking, I probably shouldn’t be caught with a sketch of his face so I’ll skip that too.
Iran’s turn. So much to talk about for Iran. Bombs, missiles, explosions, night raids, wanton destruction, carpet shelling, blockades, house demolitions, evictions, settlement building, settler-only roads, racial profiling— oh wait, I’m drifting. Back to Iran. I just don’t understand why the U.S. hasn’t launched an attack on our behalf already. Have I not been clear enough? Iran has the bomb. Maybe that’s what I’ll draw.
Wait. That’s it! That’s exactly what I’ll draw. It’ll be the most accurate visual representation of Iran’s nuclear program so far. And if they didn’t believe me then, they’ll believe me now. I mean, this isn’t based on secret information. It’s not based on military intelligence. Where did you think Bugs got the idea from? Duh. This will totally outdo the duck analogy.
And to add some flare, I should probably do what that lady in pink did. “If you’re on Twitter, tweet that Benjamin Netanyahu brought a diagram of a round bomb. B-E-N-J-A-M-I-N N-E-T-A-N-Y-A-H-U. I’m sixty-two and this is what happens when I’m invited to the UN.”
Perfect. Ynet will have me now.