Guest contribution by Ilias Safieh
Please answer seriously.
1. Why do you type so furiously at our events?
Are you signaling your presence to us? Because if you are, we know you’re here. We can hear you huffing and puffing. Plus, nobody else bunches in groups as well as you do. Once, I watched twelve of you sit in seven chairs — which, to be perfectly honest, totally weirded me out considering I was half expecting you all to claim every chair in the room as something you were promised many millennia ago.
2. Where do your furiously-typed reports even go?
There’s actually a big debate surrounding this. Many of us are convinced you send them off to some odd mix of organizations that spy on — although I think you use the word “monitor” — pro-Palestine activity on campuses across the nation. Others are certain you keep them handy for yourselves in case you need to take a quote out of context in the next op-ed you respond with. I understand if you don’t want to share this information but it just boggles our minds that you spend your college days writing down every word we say despite your clear frustration that you just aren’t finding that bit of dirt you’ve convinced yourselves exists.
3. Did you feel unsafe before it was cool to feel unsafe?
Because that would make you a hipster. And if you didn’t, that would make you a bandwagoner. Either way, it looks bad. If student activism makes you scared for your safety, you might want to call your campus police department and explain why you need a bodyguard to protect you from anyone wearing those hate-mongering kuffiyehs. Just a heads up, though: make sure not to mention that you frequently invite to campus soldiers and military leaders who have actively and openly shot at or bombed Palestinian civilians. I know it’s common sense, but just in case.
4. What is with your obsession with camels?
Why do you think renting out a camel and bringing it to school shows that you’re open-minded? Like, who thought this was a good idea? If you’re riding a camel to represent some kind of symbiotic relationship with Palestinians, Arabs, or anyone else with skin darker than yours, you should probably just stop.
5. Since you talk a lot about protecting them, do you even know where Israel’s borders are?
We honestly don’t. Neither does the world, and neither does Israel’s own government. So…
Have any questions of your own? Leave a comment and you might find them in part two.
Ilias Safieh is a Palestinian-American student studying bioethics.